These are considered to be the "definitive lines" for each episode, as determined by the posters on the Odd Couple message board in 2007, and compiled by pb.
The Laundry Orgy
I'm a hot jewish cop.
Oscar’s Ulcer
You pick up a loaded tamale, point it at your stomach, and accuse ME of pulling the trigger.
It's plastic, but we love it.
....and it goes like the dickens.... dit dit dit dit dit... dit dit dit dit dit.
Does anyone want to hear how I got rid of my crabgrass?
The Fight of the Felix
The man owes me an apology. THE MAN OWES YOU A FIST!
What do you want now, network coverage?
Broke my watch crystal.
It’s All Over Now, Baby Bird
"Does the deceased have a name?" "Sol."
The Jury Story
I don’t know who she is.
You typed “Not Guilty!”
Felix Gets Sick
Chicken Delicious, will ya!
The Big Brothers
They cancelled Norma?
Oh, if I lost Zion Canyon, I'll never forgive myself. Zion Canyon is missing. Couldn’t hit a curve so they sent him back to the minors.
I Do, I Don’t
A jelly doughnut for a jellyfish.
The Breakup
America’s Guest.
Let it be on your head.
The Blackout
"I mean in the dark...you made a very expensive sandwich."
Hey Hey
Oscar the Model
It’s today, it’s happening.
Stop conning me with Lincoln.
Felix is Missing
Madison, don’t leave town.
Snowbound, I don’t believe it.
Scrooge Gets An Oscar
God bless us all, everyone
"Season's Greeting Oscar boy, my alimony’s due. If you don't send it right away, I’ll sic the cops on you, and you'll spend Christmas in the clink with other bums like you." Signed your former wife, Blanche Madison”
Christmasbahhumbugif-I-had-my-WAYY…
The Hideaway
Go sit on a red hot branding iron
He's the token Eskimo.
They Use Horseradish, Don’t They
A cup of beer and a teaspoon of dry mustard.
Tossing a match turns you on?
Bunny is Missing Down by the Lake
"Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo?" "Deny thy father and refuse thy name" Oscar: What happened to "Help! I'm over here!"?
"Are you Still doing Walter Brennan??"
The sun rises in the east and sets in the west.. How do you know that?? I just made it up!
Engrave Trouble
"It's a bear with a jar of honey".
"Why don't you move to a better neighborhood?" Louie:"Because the nearest better neighborhood is in Ohio".
Oh by the way, you shouldn't keep the dog off the carpet. It's discrimination. Dey sense that!
Lovers Don’t Make Housecalls
Al ‘Bummy’ Davis
You've Come a Long Way, Baby
Judas, double Judas!
You're divorced? Ohhh I knooow what you're going through.....
Oh Murray, you know where babies come from.
Oscar's New Life
That's a Yay, and thats a Yay. Put them together and you have a Yay Yay!
Nude .. astroNETTES.
A Taste of Money
They got Skylar.
What Makes Felix Run
How do you feel, buddy? GREAT! (smack!) again with the neck....
What Does a Naked Lady Say to You
pig..... penguin
Take it off baby, be esthetic!
You gonna turn around, Mel? Whaddayagonnado????
I am wrapped in a Towel of Indifference.
Trapped
Science marches on!
Hospital Mates
I don't wanna drive you to Wyoming.
You're my eyes Gloria.
Go fill the tub, and bob for apples!
How is your cigar ash?
Felix's Wife's Boyfriend
I'd like to give him the razor's edge.
Macho!
It's a little tight Felix
Hi ho everybody! It's martini time all over the world.
Surprise, Surprise!
It's simple, but it says it
Row, row, row your boat ... IWANNAGOHOME!
FELIX! EDNA CAME IN HERE. SHE STUCK A PIN IN EVERYBODY ...
.....And so we learned that you can not mail a letter, without a stamp.
Natural Childbirth
Oscar, is there a blizzard? I can't tell. It's all white.
Da Bronx. Dats to natural for me.
A Grave For Felix
"'Split' Carson. Beloved husband, devoted father, never threw a gutter ball."
lookadis, I forgot the money!
You ain't got no place.
Sleepwalker
I don't like PITS, PITS, PITS in my JUICE, JUICE, JUICE!
Did you wash the thermometer in alcohol and dry it with sterile cotton? No, I spit-shined it and used a t-shirt from the laundry.
Felix, the Calypso Singer
"Once there was a man named Oscar. Oscar Oscar Oscar..."
"WE MADE IT AGAIN!"
Security Arms
This is the most OUTRAGEOUS example...of anti-social behavior...I have ever seen!!!
Looka this, another birthday present I won’t be getting.
You're a horrible little man with a horrible little mind who has to yank peoples' arms to get attention and we're moving out of here at once HONK HONK and I'm not cleaning up.
Fat Farm
I don't have any fun fat. But you don't have any fun either.
What's for dessert? You get to suck on a balloon?
Murray the Fink
They're locking everybody up. You know, they had Willy Mays in here last night......and he's got a lovely voice
This is a Fraudulant fondue fork.
It’s a PLUTO ashtray!!
Win One For Felix
I'd like ta disjoint his U.
I don't wanna dance with you, Felix.
…we can go down to the library and do a little research on it.
And Leave the Greyhounds to Us
We don't have that kind of money. Then you don't get that kind of dog.
"That dog loves to race! And I'm going to race him!" "And I'll beat you'll beat him!"
What happened in Boston, Oscar?
The opposite of brown is purple.
Does Your Mother Know You're Out, Rigoletto
YOU BROKE MY RIGOLETTO!
hey remember me with the fat daughter?
The Odd Couple Meet Their Host
The whole world thinks I'm a neurotic madman AND I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR THAT!!!
Being Divorced is Never Having to Say, I Do
We are here once again, toooooo have another crack....at joining this man and this woman in holy matrimony.
I take whatever goes sour on Roger.
That's love if you're 16 years old. Then I am forever 16 years old. So's that fish.
Lookadis I almost walked the last mile again. I'm sorry, you just looked so happy.
Speak For Yourself
"Gloria...is flying...to a Japanese restaurant."
You??? A man that covers every piece of his furniture???
Good, Bad Boy
Yeah.......it's alot like sex.
You cupcake, spill your guts.
"The key's in the cupcake."
The Knicks & the Bucks & the Hawks.
This bar came out of the window.....put it back.
Oscar's Promotion
Crick, crick, crick...it's like living with a Japanese CRICKET!
You have very nice eyes, even zo round.
Beneficence.........you got that?
You Saved My Life
It's boneless chicken." "No bones?!" "How did it walk??
Mr. Madison, there's a person hanging there." ----- Oscar:"There usually is."
Where's Grandpa?
Loretta Spoon...whata knockout.... and hears every word you say
He came all the way from Sunshine City to rain on my parade.
Partner's Investment
There's an old man out there choking a chicken.
Don't berieve everything you hear. They told me I'd be making ruv to Betty Grable on Whitehouse rawn by Christmas.
Psychic Shmychic
I'm Rosemary's Baby!!!
HANDS! HANDS!
As you can see, Miss Arnett has a set of large cards.
A Night to Dismember
"You should be down on your hands & knees thanking your maker for a friend like me."
You're like a vicious St. Bernard
"The Good Lord and Felix, they know I've tried"
The Princess
This watermelon...is it a food of your people?
You bought her a salty pretzel....OH BOY!
I told you to wear a mourning coat. I wear this coat every morning.
Felix's First Commercial
This BIG GUY here, behind the craving sheam.........
Even as a child, they called me "the friendly one".
Multiblaaaade.
Gloria, Hallelujah
She knows I'm not hot!
What's your idea of "above average", the Wolf Man?
Smiles thou your heart is aching....honk, honk.....
Expecting locust?
*Above Average *Average *Below Average *We're Returning Your Deposit
Big Mouth
He's running, he's running with the dexterity of a lizard.
Inane drone
... no gain on the play ... no gain .. but a lesson for us all.
The Pen is Mightier than the Pencil
And I want you to know it's "BAIL" before "JAIL"...so you better not "FAIL".
It's gonna blow the lid off the upholstery business. I name names.
Who's gonna visit the grave of Spot Moskowitz? Three little dogs with yarmulkes??
"Ode to a Skyscraper"
The Odd Monks
We're losing our bluebird!
Today I just laid on my cot with eyes closed. And he's the social director!
Said 'Goodbye' to the talking bra
Remember...your inner self is you.
It's a tie ball game.
I always root for the under ant.
"If you want anything at all, just abstain."
The lord givith and the lord taketh, we're gonna see how mucheth.
Why don't you bake your stommuck?
I'm Dying of Unger
Duck geese!
THIS IS ALL YOU WROTE???!!!
This is a boom boom boom for a beeb beeb beeb.
Be quiet, they're all gonna want ice cream.
The woods are full of nuts and berries. The local indians subsisted on them. Yeah, that's why we haven't seen any local indians.
"Who are you talking to?!" (Murray's nose pops through) "Oh hi Murray".
The Odd Couples
Wow! Blanche! Gloria! What is this, a reUNION?! Wow!
My mother doesn't know I'm divorced.
What could I do to make you come? Ask me. Come? Love to!!!!
The First Baby
There's a new Unger in the world!
Dr. James?! What is he, the hospital PET? Dr. Bill, Dr. Bob, Dr. Timmy!!!
I am the man who SIRED Gloria Unger's baby!
Oscar's Birthday
If there's one thing I HATE...its a birthday party....with a THEEEME.
JUDY !! you lost weight.
Password
Aristophanes is ridiculous
It's a known fact that Lincoln loved mayonnaise.
The Odd Father
What am I supposed to do?! Stuff my cheeks with nuts?!!!
Everbody say MIDget-ahheehahay....
HOP over the wire HOP over the other wire
...and there's Mr. and Mrs. Albertson...and there's Wil-fred...
Don't Believe in Roomers
Oscar, I got you a football, because yours has ketchup all over it.
It's not my birthday.
Buckle down, Winsocki, buckle down...eat your heart out, Felix; buckle down...
Sometimes a Great Ocean
There's a note .. "Good luck, Paisan."
He's looking for an outlet. Have you tried tennis?
I don't have time to unravel your logic.
I Gotta Be Me
The ultimate humiliation....kicked out of group therapy.
Group therapy?!! I don't need any therapy...I love my mother!
The Ides of April
Mzzzzz Ferret
We don't like hearing that. Oscar: I didn't enjoy saying it.
Myrna's Debut
Dear B...O.....B......They've added a lot of keys since (1937?).
They tap dance in Hawaii, you just can't hear it because of the sand.
Listen Mr. Unger, GET OUT!
"Can't" means "can not". You mean "mayn't"!!
The Hustler
Then we'll use your eye.
THROAT I shoulda said THROAT!
I'll twist your little Rigoletto.
I'll tell you one thing...you're not getting your picture in the program.
It's just like an isosceles triangle!!
My Strife in Court
When you..."assuume"...you make an "ass"...out of "you" and "me"!!
Let's Make a Deal
Taaaake the envelope.
Keep the squid! Who are you .. Jacques Cousteau???
A waffle iron?..............Don't you have any bedroom furniture back there?
This horse is a nag.
The Oddyssey Couple
el-EN-yeh.....
CHICKYYY!!
"It's all right...I saw "Zorba the Greek". "It's not all right...I saw "Boys in the Band"!"
Take My Furniture, Please
Ratso Rizzo had a cuter apartment.
It's flaming peach. What was it before? Spanish mildew.
The Murray who Came to Dinner
I have to destroy Nosenstein!!
LuLuBoomBoomChiChiDumDum! LuLuBoomBoomChiChiDumDum!
Oscar? what...got mushrooms in it? yeah...alright
Gloria Moves In
Two effeminate nines?
I WANT SOME TARTS!
I think I got a Royal House.
Last Tango in Newark
Why won't you go to Ballet Appreciation class, because there's a stigma attached? I go. .... Dat's da stigma!
My curtain goes up on time .. not like those clowns over at Lincoln Center.
Port-a bra .....
The Odd Decathelon
Every BODY needs pizza and beer
I alleyed, but I didn't oop.
We TRUST you at Lloyd's.
That Was No Lady
Love has made me strong. STRENGTH has made him stronger.
I've met a woman who loves everything I love! I hate her already.
The Odd Holiday
We're on our way to somewhere, the three of us and Oscar ....
No wonder why your marriage is shaky, your resistance is low.
The New Car
Youse'll be back! Youse'll be back begging on your knees like my mother was!
La Forza Del Destino!
This is the Army, Mrs. Madison
Dollar for your Death
The Songwriters
Happy and Peppy and Bursting with Love
Let's hit Hitler where he lives
This song will be BIG COIN, buster!
Felix Directs
I've got my title .. MONDO FILTH!
Have you seen "Last Tango"? In Tijuana? No .. Tampa.
Where's da bed?
The Pig Who Came to Dinner
"In 1776, Thomas Jefferson signed the Declaration of Independence. In 1863, Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation. But in 1973, American history was rewritten by Oscar Madi-soy...who cast his best friend into slavery!"
Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii won my freedom!!
Why are you in your underwear? I haven't bet it yet.
Maid For Each Other
Felix, when you told me you were gonna hire a nanny, I thoought she would be a nice lady with rosy cheeks, a little bag-- supercalifragilicious... Instead I got The Beast of Bayonne!
Find the filth!
What is this? The Wide World of Gluttony?
The Exorcists
"Owa tagu siam"
"How to Exorcise at Home"
"I know...I know all things..." "When can you help us?" "I don't know, I'll have to check my book..."
I will require.............and half a chicken. Half a chicken? Yeah I get a little hungry around midnight
Mr. Unger, how a man dresses in his own home is nobody's business. I'm only laughing cause you look funny.
"Is that a potion?""Not unless Italian Swiss Colony makes a potion."
A Barnacle Adventure
A pencil glued to a bowling ball? Impossible you say?
And Elmo will listen to me- because Unger's the naaame and GLUE - IS - MY - GAME!
What does this mean to the average man?
"I glued the pencil to the bowling ball." "OH BOY!! YOU'VE HAD A BU-SY DAY!!"
The Moonlighter
I better bring my big spoon
This used to be a decent respectable establishment till they started catering to this weird riff-raff in jackets & ties.
"Oscar...Oscar..." "Here I'm not Oscar!" "Cookie...Cookie..."
Couldn't sleep last night. I had a nightmare that a giant fire hydrant was splashing your kids with domestic wine.
Cleanliness is Next to Impossible
Oh boy, midget hot dogs!
"'The fault lies not within our stars, but within ourselves.'" "Shakespeare..."
The Flying Felix
I ... much .. fear .. trouble .. in the fuselage .. Frederick.
Then I'll get my paycheck, and you know what will be on it? Nothing, not a word.
It's the Captain, he's speaking to me! YES! WHAT? What channel is he on? I'm getting Victor Borge! GET OFF!
Vocal Girl Makes Good
Mr. Madison likes midget wrestling.
Wow! What a kiss! She broke my pencil!
Shuffling off to Buffalo
Remember when I told you that if I got the trains I wanted, I wouldn't ask for anything else? You never got me those trains. Let me have this.
Goodnight Sharon! Goodnight Sharon and Bobby! Goodnight Sharon and Bobby and David! Goodnight Sharon and Bobby and David and Alice!!
Floyd is a JERK!
You can't plant roots in cement.
A Different Drummer
softer, softer, . . . but I'm not even playing . . . that's good
What am I? The Godfather?
The Insomniacs
Mr. Friend is asleep and Mr. Enemy is wide awake.
Dream when you're feeling blue, dream that's the thing to do, things never are as bad as they seem, so dream, dream, dream.....ONE MORE TIME!!!
Tickticktickticktickticktick-tick-tick...tick......tick.....cuckoo! cuckoo!!
New York's Oddest
(knock on the door) "On the job!"
"Do the police know about you two guyz??"
"Hey Cosmopolitan! A sex quiz ........................................ never!"
"What's the serial number?" "I don't know the serial number. Do you know your serial number?" "96133F." "You shouldn't have asked him..."
I want to take it easy on you but my partner here wants to beat you senseless!
One for the Bunny
Hello, my dear. I've got my EYE on you.
C'mon judge give me a break how would you feel if a magazine printed naked pictures of YOUR wife? (Judge:) Amazed!
Before I won the court case some guy at Playboy made 10 copies of Gloria's photos. I got 9 of them back. I won't rest until I get that 10th one back....
The Rain in Spain
I strayed...I strayed.
To Bowl or Not to Bowl
THROW THE BALL!!
The Frog
An American frog? You BET I'll fix 'em!
Is he a good jumper? He got out of Yugoslavia, didn't he?
Laziest frog I've ever seen. He probably sends out for flies.
Maximillian, One in a million Max.
The Hollywood Story
and nobody wanted to play with the kid with weird mitt and the talking bat!
Tell us about your career slugger
Guess what's going to happen outside this very window in 20 minutes. Cuffy's gonna wash his hair.
.... Cuffy Crabbe! He was buying shampoo, just like a regular person's son.
The Dog Story
"Mr. Unger, this crime was inexcusable....as was your nutsy behavior in this courtroom!...".
You've seen my razzle, now I'm going to show you my dazzle.
"Gee...look at the nice doggie!" "Bailiff..."
Oscar, I stole the dog. What dog?
Do bees buzz?
Strike Up the Band...or Else
Ma Gump is pregnant?!! Thats what you need the $500 for.
I almost got her sister, Hoedown Harriet, but she won't work on Gabby Hayes' birthday.
The Odd Candidate
Thipthon ith the winner! Ha-a-a-a!!
You won't have Oscar Madison to kick around anymore.
The Subway Show
What's your name? Harry Hit. Get out of here wit that thing!
In yer EAR there's gonna be tax!!
Hi. My name is Harvey Hanky!
"I haven't ridden the subway in years." "Can't tell ya how much we've missed ya"
It's expensive to eat out.
The Paul Williams Show
"I can't take it anymore. I'm tired of being treated like a child .." Oh Oscar, we've been through this a hundred times ...
Our Fathers
Pop's a pip!
I L...O...V E...Y...O...U D....A....D...D...Y
The Big Broadcast
I think I'll stop walking now.
Penicillin .. the Big P!
F .. E .. L .. I .. X .. Marks the spot ... 1290 on your radio dot .. UN DOT'S ALOT! (Ribbet ... ribbet ... )
Oscar in Love
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!!!!!
No reception? I ate light.
The Bigger they Are
I am a dramatization of a doctor.
"You wanna buy this?"
I gave your cousin Dimples here $2000 .. he spent $1500 of it on sequined leotards.
Two on the Aisle
You call what you have in Los Angeles "theatre"???
Feet of Clay, Feet of Cu-Lay
I Never Saw a Mockingbird That Laughed at a Painted Dog. A musical fable by Bryce Longfellow.... I can't even understand the ticket!
Felix the Horse Player
I've got a Midget Named Harry!
$5 for socks.
But one thing's for sure that there's no such thing as a "sure thing". THAT's why they call it "gambling".
Just protecting ya from the leeches, baby!
You can mark me "paid in full", Chicken Lips!
ee-NUFF, Colonel!
The Rent Strike
Buu-uut..........nobody gets any of those things unless Felix Unger moves out of this building. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY
Everybody up! Drop your socks and grab your fern!
Two Men on a Hoarse
How many people also think THIS man should have an operation?
"I'M DEAF!"
The Roy Clark Show
Kalnikoff knows an Idiot when he see’s one.
Who else would wear a cape in Phoenix, you crazy guy?
He's no Morey Amsterdam!
Boooooooooooooooooooooring
Old Flames Never Die
You know...I feel like a cup of tea?
Yesterday a waitress called me "Pops".
Ya got em, Ace.
I'm not your baby. I'm a grown man of mature years and YOU should wear underwear!
Felix I'm not going to stay up until 3am to catch a bus to go to a party with 3 bald girls.
I lift up weights and look for communists.
Laugh, Clown, Laugh
Richard Dawson FEH!!
.. one hundred acres of mashed pah-tay-TAHS ...
Your Mother Wears Army Boots
I don't know why Muhammed Ali even talks to you!
He's a bigger opera nut than I am and I followed Joan Sutherland into a phone booth and almost suffocated.
Thanks, Needle Nose.
Let me elucidate Unger, you're a little slow.
Felix Remarries
I knew he wouldn't clean that up
I'm free. I'm free...I'm free!!! I'm singing in the rain...just singing in the rain...
"I guess it's hard to keep things white...."